Ctrl+z Cupcake

Cherries Jubilee is a dessert that has been passed down within my family for more than 20 years. Probably like 40 years, tops, ever since lo the days of 1964. Cue Mad Men theme song.

One day, as my grandmother tells the story, she was in her kitchen when she heard a knock on the door, and yea, it was the Tupperware Saleslady. The Saleslady wanted my grandmother to be learned of the ways of the Tupperware Store ‘N Serve, a device you could store food in while you served it at the same time. So she showed my grandmother how to make Cherries Jubilee, this thing she made up that has the name of another dessert you LIGHT ON FIRE! Sorry, this one doesn’t light on fire which is a HUGE let down.

She told my grandmother all those years ago that this dessert could be prepared and stored in the same dish, if you can believe it, and thus, a legend was born.

Ok so maybe not legend since the recipe doesn’t exist online, but last year my friend Jamie’s son was sick and cranky at our Thanksgiving party, and cried and cried until he had a bite of this and then all the sudden wasn’t crying anymore! So, if anything, baby silencer!

Ingredients-es:

• Angel food cake (store bought is fine, Ina Garten)
• 1 can cherry pie filling
• 1 bar cream cheese (maybe more?)
• 1 container whipped topping (maybe more!)
• 1-2 cups of powdered sugar

Directions:

So, you’re going to need a deep and wide pan. Like a 9”x12” or something will do, but if you want to double the recipe and get a huge buffet server, go for it. I’m not standing in the way!

Slice the angel food cake so it’s no more than 1” thick and covers the pan. Just sort of squish it all in there. It’ll look awkward but no one is going to see it. The wonders of the Store ‘N Serve!

Mix the cream cheese and whipped topping together, slowly sifting in the powdered sugar. Aaaannnnnddd now we get to start tasting it. Too sweet? Add more cream cheese! Tastes like a bagel? Add more sugar! HOLY SHIT THE FILLING DOUBLED IN SIZE JUST EAT IT!

Spread the mixture on the angel food cake, being careful that it’s not at the top of the pan already. If it is, you’ll need to eat scrape some off the top. Now it’s time to break out your spatula shaped like a cupcake and spread the cherries on top.

Yep, got a little messy. It’s ok, you’re serving it in this dish that you’re storing it in!

Voila.

This is my entire family tree right here. People will eat this like there’s no tomorrow, which there may not be for them if they eat too much.

FAQ:
Can I use another kind of pie filling?  I have no idea. Probably!

What if I don’t have a spatula shaped like a cupcake? Well, then I mourn for you.

Oh, the holidays. Nothing feels more like holiday time than spending 2 hours caramelizing 4 huge onions and baking three cookie sheets full of bacon. But, why would I do such a thing?

Ah! To make my classic festive caramelized onion and bacon dip, that is! Before we start this dip, I want to give a quick lesson in onion caramelizing, because I’ve noticed many sites out there (and restaurants in Chicago) tend to get it wrong. So, let’s start from the top. (Recipe is at the way bottom)

For this recipe, you’ll want to use one sweet onion and one non-sweet, like a large yellow one. DO NOT use a red onion. Really.

You’ll want to chop up both onions in various shapes and sizes to your liking; I personally prefer a legth-wise chop mixed with some cubing. These two onions are going to fill a huge skillet, and it’s totally ok if it overflows a bit.

Speaking of the skillet, get it cooking down a half a stick of butter. Not margarine. Not olive oil. Who raised you?

When the butter is melted, get the onions in the pan. Sprinkle it with sea salt (table salt will be ok, I guess) and let it cook down on medium/lowish heat for 15 minutes. Once you’re able to contain the onions that have cooked down ever so much, sprinkle it with a teaspoon of sugar.

Keep cooking. Set the timer and get a magazine. Not an US Weekly - we’re talking a full People double issue or Vouge or some shit, that is if you consider the ads pages. You’ll want to be checking this a lot, so I would say set the time for 10-12 minute increments. When the timer goes off, stir and flip the onions and sprinkle with salt. This is going to take you at least 45 minutes. If it doesn’t, you’ve done it wrong.

Are they ready yet? They’re getting brownish. No, they aren’t ready.

What about now? No, they aren’t ready.

Seriously, it’s been 30 minutes. They must be done? Does your kitchen smell like a ball park? No? Then they aren’t done.

Ah but wait! these are looking done-ish! Right? Almost. But right here is where we do a trick called Putting A Paper Towel In The Pan To Soak Up Some Of the Butter That Is Keeping It From Cooking Properly.

Ok so noooowwwww are they done? Well, does it look like you’ve just irreparably damaged your All-Clad pan and black things are sticking to the onions?

You’re done! THAT is how your caramelize an onion or two. Look for good scrapings of onionesque brownness and you’ll know it’s done. Now what are you going to do with it?

(It’s blurry cause I was eating while taking the picture. Sorry.)

Ok, so here is the deal, Pioneer Woman: You’re not going to make any friends by tricking us into thinking craft foods like cake pops are easy and fun! They are not. They are involved, time-sensitive, patience-testing ordeals and the payout is a teaspoon of cake on a stick. Seriously?

If you’re going to make cake pops, you’ll be glad to use my modified recipe below, and also glad to know you’ll in no way be interested in eating cake again! That’s what I call a diet.

Ingredients-es

• 1 package of store bought cake mix
• 1 can of store bought frosting
• Lollipop sticks from Michaels or JoAnns
• Powdered sugar
• Milk or half-and-half
• Sprinkles, crushed up candy bars, cookies, whatever.

Directions

Bake the cake and let it cool for a while. Pioneer Woman says overnight! And this is the first of many times where I’ll tell you Pioneer Woman is wrong. I say, let it cool a while. You’ll be fine after an hour because you want the cake to be a little warm when you add the frosting. When it’s cooled enough, break it up in a food processor or with your hands, and start mixing in the frosting, right from the can. You’re going to use about 3/4 a standard can, and you can mix it up with your hands.

At this point, you probably have eaten 3 full pieces of cake and the remaining 1/4 of the frosting by licking your fingers. Now you see why you’re never going to crave cake again. Look how much batter this produces!! What now!

Well, according to the Pioneer Woman, you make 1” balls of the mixture, place it on a wax-papered cookie sheet and let the cake balls sit in the fridge for a while. This, again, is wrong! These cake balls need to FREEZE. They need to go in the freezer for a good 5+ hours. Leave them overnight if you start this project at 8pm thinking it will be a breeze and won’t take longer than whatever. DO NOT put the sticks in yet. You’ll do that right before dipping them at the end.

Now here is also where our Pioneer Woman goes wrong: This whole bullshit about candy melts and chocolate chips. It’s not going to work. You are not a professional confectioner, you do not know how to work with melted candy. Your cake pops are going to turn out sloppy and sad looking, and you’re going to make three of them at 10pm after 3 beers and then toss the whole tray of cake balls into your freezer and swear you’re never touching them again.

HERE IS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO:

1. Mix 1/2 c. Half-and-half or milk and 1 c. powdered sugar over very low heat. If you’re using chocolate or red velvet cake, mix in about a teaspoon of vanilla. TURN THE HEAT OFF once it’s mixed and no lumps appear.
2. Dip the FROZEN cake ball into the glaze mixture, tap off any excess and immediately roll it around in the sprinkles, crushed cookies or whatever.
3. Stand it on end on the frozen cookie sheet you just took it from. When you’re all done, PUT THE CAKE POPS BACK IN THE FREEZER. They’ll take an hour to defrost before you serve them and everyone swoons what a great baker the Pioneer Woman is not.

Boom.

BOOM.

BOOM! See how sloppy the pops made with candy melts look against my version?

I know.

So, corn chowder. It’s a huge task that yields just-as-huge results. I’ve tried them all and think this hybrid/made up version suits me best. The great thing about any chowder is it’s open to interpretation, so give yourself some room to play.

Ingredients-es

• 2 10-ounce packages frozen corn
• 2 cans creamed-style corn (lowfat if you can find it)
  
• 4 large russet potatoes, diced
• 1 large onion, diced
• 1 tbsp. smoked paprika
• 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper
• 2-3 carrots, diced
• 2 c. low-sodium chicken or vegetable broth
• 2 c. half-and-half (LOWfat! Lowfat, people.)
  
• 1-2 celery stalks, diced  
• kosher salt and black pepper to taste
  

Directions

1. In a huge pot, empty the cans of creamed-style corn, broth, 3/4 of the carrots and 3/4 of the frozen corn and start it a’boilin on medium heat.
2. In a nicely buttered skillet, brown the diced onion and then add to the skillet 1 c. of the half-and-half and half of your potatoes and celery. Half half half. Cover and simmer for 10-15 minutes.
3. Add the rest of the half-and-half, celery, potatoes paprika, and red pepper to the large pot of corn, stirring every 2 minutes until the stuff in the skillet is done.
4. Stir the contents of the skillet into the large pot that should be about boiling by now. Let it cook and bubble for a good 20-30 minutes until it’s a bit frothy and the potatoes are mushy.
5. Here’s where it gets fun: Use an immersion blender** on the large pot of corny goodness. Go nuts with it. If you like it super creamy, don’t stop until you get enough.
6. When you’re all blended, add the rest of your frozen corn and the remaining carrots.
7. Also add grilled chicken if you’ve got it around.
8. Also add bacon.***

Should yield enough to feed 4 people fresh and 4 servings frozen. Eat within 3 days or freeze up to 3 months.

Photo credit this easy Real Simple recipe that dumbly instructs you to put the soup in bowls to eat.

**DO NOT PUT HOT CHOWDER IN AN UPRIGHT BLENDER WITHOUT FIRMLY HOLDING THE LID DOWN WITH A DISH TOWEL. I speak from experience.

***Also add bacon.